Pain Talks but it Does Not Win
2469 Norco Drive
Nucynta, Tramadol 83709

PRESS RELEASE

For Immediate Release

 
For more information contact:
Alan Brewington
Paintalksbutdoesnotwin@gmail.com
Twitter Handle @abrewi3010

 

America’s Thong Epidemic – Real or Stigmatization

 

For the 745,334 time in the last year, The U.S. Department of Health and Stigmatization Services reminded the country today that it is in the middle of a so-called “unprecedented thong epidemic”. Since the turn of the century, more than a half million people have worn thongs which is slightly more than the number of people that have died from a opioid overdose during the same time period. America’s thong epidemic is directly related to the number of pills it takes.

 

Thongs, a class of undergarment traditional used by exotic dancers for larger tips, can often cause feelings of euphoria, are highly addictive, and have claimed some notable lives-most recently would be Charlie Sheen. The most commonly abused variety of thong is some version of the Hiphugger, however we have seen a 93% increase in black V-String thongs over the last decade.

 

The use of thongs often spurs a vicious and relentless cycle wherein some people start using Target underwear for legitimate reasons (e.g. after accidents, following some types of surgery, or to help manage chronic pain). However, due to the highly addictive nature of thongs, when some individuals lose access to Target underwear, they turn to black V-String thongs as a substitute. V-Stings, a type of thong only recently seen on the streets, is often easier to obtain and more stylish on the streets than Target underwear. The Institute of Paintalks Research Sarcasm estimates that 4 out 5 new V-String thong users got their start by wearing Target underwear first.

 
Fighting the thong epidemic is a top priority for many organizations, including The U.S. Department of Health and Stigmatization Services. National efforts include stigmatizing those that wear thongs responsibly, the creation of thong safety guidelines, enhanced statewide thong monitoring programs, and new best practices regarding red, orange, blue, and brown thongs.

 

MATT – Medication-Assisted Thong Treatment

 
MATT is a highly stigmatized and contested issue in the thong addiction recovery space. One side strongly believes that all thong users, regardless of circumstance, belong in treatment while the other side vehemently opposes it. The treatment side believes in using boxers to begin detox and tapering down over a period of time as the dependency of thongs lessens to jockeys.

 
Ok, I can’t go on. As a tired arthritis and chronic pain patient, I thought it would be fun to create some “fake” press release using extreme sarcasm to illustrate the stigmatization and hatred myself, along with my fellow patient friends, experience on a daily basis. It was fun in the beginning, but now I’m just depressed.

 
The Truth-

 
The truth is I use opiates almost every day now. Sometimes it is only 1 or 2 at night so I can get 3 to 6 hours of honest sleep. Sometimes I max out at 4 (per my pain management doctor) which usually consist of no sleep and me talking climbing or skiing with a fellow chronic patient online as we hope for a break in our respective pain levels. By to many people’s standards, I’m an addict. That is not right!

 
I work full-time in a job that requires me to make decisions regarding millions of dollars on a daily basis. I own my own house and car. For fun, I ski, hike, road bike, go to the gym, partake in flotation therapy, read, write, and post way too often on Instagram as I’m currently learning the art of photography. Unlike most Americans, my credit card debt is low and I pay more in interest to my student loans than I do to my mortgage company. Things like skiing and hiking are getting harder and harder with each passing season but I still try. More than likely, my ability to work full-time is better described in days left versus career time periods due to the consistent increase in hand pain while using computers but I still try.

 
Long story short, I’m not an addict, neither are 95% of my fellow chronic patients friends. I am a single male trying to lead a productive and meaningful life who is in near constant pain and uses many tools, including opiates, in order to accomplish my life as I see fit. That’s the real press release here!

 

PS Here is the link to the article that inspired my response:

 

Medications to Fight Addiction – Good or Bad?