Being kind of cheap and lazy I don’t go see a lot of movies. Usually I just wait for them to play on cable or on Pay per View. I have noticed though that the T.V. seems to be advertising for a lot of current and upcoming Zombie movies. A quick analysis of this trend led me to believe that as a culture we must be getting tired of Twilight creatures and have moved on to other scary beings. Unfortunately, I now believe this analysis to be wrong!

My skepticism towards my initial analysis began about 2 weeks ago…

Every Sunday afternoon is grocery shopping time for yours truly. I try to make it one of the last errands I do because Sunday evenings are reserved for “Alan decompress time” in order to get ready for the upcoming work week. Since I show up at the same time to Paul’s to get my grocery’s every Sunday I’ve become friends with the staff. In particular I like to get checked out by a cashier named Katelyn (not her real name, might reveal it later if conditions warrant).

Katelyn is basically the female version of me; intelligent, funny, easy to talk to, and most importantly a smart ass. Of course I would get along with myself well! However, 2 Sundays ago she started talking about how she is preparing for the upcoming Zombie apocalypse. She wants metal blinds for her room, takes shooting lessons with a bow and arrow, and watches any and all Zombie movies not for entertainment but as a means to prepare for the future battle with these creatures. Turns out too that Katelyn has convenience most of her co-workers of this pending disaster, they have even began preparations in Paul’s break room in case of a Zombie emergency.

Normally I would have dismissed Katelyn’s prepping as bat crap crazy. Outside of the Star Wars movies I’m not a science fiction person and I thought I didn’t believe in Zombies either. However, last Friday was one of the worse pain days I’ve had in months! It started off with me getting out of bed doing the classic arthritic Zombie walk before my knees would work correctly. Yes you read that right, I was doing the “classic arthritic Zombie walk” that we all know so well. Could it be that my joints are not technically arthritic and that the walk was really caused by my inner Zombie trying to get out? That’s crazy right!?


The pain got so bad that Friday that by lunch I had to go home. I could not concentrate on work and the pain was affecting my cognitive abilities. Like any good human, I stopped by Whole Foods for some nutritious, yet comforting food for lunch in hopes of bribing the pain away. This did not help so I took a couple of tramadol with 1 hydrocodone and went upstairs to lie down so I could try to take a nap. For a normal human this combo of drugs would have knocked them out! Not me though. All I did was zone out for about 5 hours, very Zombie like one might say.


By Saturday morning my pain had calmed down and my mental capabilities had improved. That’s when I remembered that when I was in physical therapy after both knee surgeries my therapist had me do what she called the Zombie walk. It consisted of tying a theraband around my legs and walking with straight legs. (This exercise is a killer on the legs when recovering from knee surgery by the way.) Suddenly it hit me, are all physical therapists Zombie parents who are teaching their “patients or children” how to walk correctly. Could we as arthritic patients really be the Zombies that Katelyn is preparing for?!


I’m now thinking that Katelyn brought up her Zombie apocalypse prepping because she senses the inner Zombie in me; even if I don’t sense it yet. She wants me to know that she knows and that I should be careful around her from now on. I’m not sure what to do or think at this point! I will say this, my fellow arthritic people are some of the most awesome folks I’ve EVER meet so if we are all actually Zombies all I can say is this, I would be honored to share the field of battle with you in the upcoming Zombie war 🙂

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Are Arthritic People Zombies? — 2 Comments

  1. As I sit here in a ghost sweater with a Lego skeleton avatar I can’t argue with the zombie walk – I do it too, but never with a band. Will try.

    There’s a problem though. If you are a zombie Katelyn will always be able to run faster than you.
    Katelyn does not really need to worry much because one of the best ways to escape a few zombies is by running. After all they shamble. They’ll get you since you’re slow but the Katelyns of the world can run away.

    Hope you feel better today


  2. I love this analogy, Alan! I’ve viven some thought to the Zombie Apocalypse as well, and my conclusion is that I’ve no reason to worry. They’ll never know I’m not one of them when they see me shambling my arthritic way down the street. Perfect camouflage!

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